The high today is 90 dang degrees. It is September. There is NO excuse. NONE. Why does it feel like a dumpster fire outside? What did I do to deserve this? Was it that time I took two pennies from the gas station change bucket? Or the time I didn't answer the door when the Jehovah's Witness dudes came by my house? I don't know, but I apologize. I am OVER this garbage weather. Here are --- things I'd rather do than endure another 90-degree day in Tuscaloosa:

  1. Get stung by an angry wasp
  2. Not be able to use Chapstick for two weeks
  3. Eat whole raw beets
  4. Die
  5. Make out with Andrew Dice Clay
  6. Get shot in the foot
  7. Run a marathon
  8. Drink a bottle of Canola oil
  9. Shop on Black Friday
  10. Debate politics at a family reunion
  11. Walk barefoot over Legos
  12. Take a sucker punch to the face
  13. Watch my family do chores incorrectly and not be able to say anything to them even though THAT'S NOT HOW YOU LOAD THE DISHWASHER, BABY
  14. Wear Crocs to a debutante ball
  15. Be stuck in McFarland Boulevard rush hour traffic
  16. Watch Caillou
  17. Solve equations
  18. Drink room temperature V8
  19. Gouge out my eyes with a rusty spoon
  20. Listen to Fran Drescher sing an aria
  21. Fight with random people on Twitter
  22. Go to a high school reunion in a fat suit
  23. Not be able to put my debit card away fast enough and feel a million eyes judging me in the in the checkout lane
  24. Have six consecutive root canals
  25. Give up sugar for all eternity