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33 Things That Suck About Being 33

Woman in cinema crying, close-up
Michael Blann

I am 33, and it is not fun. Every day I feel like I get a little older, a little wiser, and exponentially more stressed. Here are 33 things that suck about being 33.

1. Student Loan Payments

2. Car Payments

3. Gray Hair

4. Arthritis

5. Wrinkles

6. Idea of a fun night: watching Netflix in stretchy pants

7. Looking at college kids and being concerned for their general welfare

8. Looking at a college kid in a new car and not feeling a pang of envy because you know that their car insurance premium is expensive as heck

9. Gaining 75 pounds by just looking at dessert

10. Heartburn

11. Spending a butt ton on skin care because you realize only the expensive stuff works

12. Watching your blood pressure get higher because you’re worried about having high blood pressure

13. Literally always being tired

14. Knowing the only time you truly have to yourself is when you lock the bathroom door to keep your husband or kids out

15. Crying in the Target fitting room when you realize Mom Jeans are actually comfortable

16. Buying shoes based on how long you can walk in them, not how hot they make your legs look

17. Twisting your ankle and having your first thought be: “Have I met my health insurance deductible yet?”

18. Critically thinking about how much fiber you consume

19. Realizing 89% of your favorite bands are considered “Dad Rock”

20. Watching people at a concert and wondering why they aren’t wearing earplugs to protect their hearing

21. Contributing to a 401K

22. Feeling the harsh eyes of judgement every time your kid has a meltdown in public

23. Getting heart palpitations after you drink a Red Bull

24. Realizing the person who said women who can “have it all” was a LIAR LIAR MOM JEANS ON FIRE

25. Liking a “new” hit song and Googling it to find out it was released six months ago (SAD FACE EMOJI)

26. Saving up to go on a vacation

27. Realizing vacation is just yelling at your kid in a different time zone

28. Not sleeping at night because you’re worried if your child is getting enough calcium

29. Lowkey being addicted to caffiene

30. Insurance Premiums

31. Wearing sunscreen 24/7 because you’re paranoid about getting more wrinkles

32. Realizing your “jam” is now 12 years old

33. Talking to your intern and literally starting a sentence with “When I was your age…”

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